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"The 'Stuff' in Mark's Head"

An insight to the weird stuff in my head!!!

I write at my most prolific and most erotic when I am particularly horny and my thoughts struggle to go anywhere other than the wonderful world of bisexuality which is adorned with multiple genitalia; wonderfully formed chests (both hairy and not); as well as incredible fantasies ranging between uniforms and everyday events, as I said, it has always been a marvel to me that my head is a chaos of sensual thoughts that are so contradictory to my conservative daily life of being a Dad, a faithful husband; and a provider to my family. I am staggered that I will sit at one of my multitudinous meetings and participate and contribute as a good company executive is supposed to. All the while my mind can seethe at the thought of dragging one of my young colleagues onto the Board table and ripping at his clothes with my teeth until his delights are exposed to the whole aggressively male team (remember we're a construction company) who join me in tasting him all over like a Danish smorgasbord. I fantasize that I will direct the whole feast while the young man writhes and squirms under their groping fingers and probing tongues. I tell my Safety Officer to make sure that he lubricates every joint with care; my cost manager to take care that every digit gets deep and careful probing; my construction director to drill and excavate every moist drainage trench. What a fine example of corporate life I am, where foreskins and male kisses are on the agenda; anyway, I am not horny today so I am incapable of erotica and wanted, instead, to share some thoughts. Shit, you've all just said, you don't care about my "thoughts" Well like the remote on your TV guys; it is easy to tune to another channel. I have always been interested in the thoughts and motivations of other guys. I believe that being a man is one of the toughest things around and being a bisexual man has a lot of components that are more intimidating than it is for hetero guys but, in many ways, more honest.

I wrote in my recent essay that I had never met a bisexual man who wouldn't have preferred to be straight. I was generalizing of course and a number of great guys communicated with me on that issue. It was a fantastic experience to get that feedback; writing for ME is how you react to what I had to say so I am grateful for your comments!!! Don't misunderstand me guys, I meant that at some time or another when you are feeling particularly shitty; well, it always seems as if it would have been easier to tread the common path. I am so comfortable with who I am in every sense of that word. I realized that I enjoyed the sight of men and women equally when I was 18. I've never lost that pleasure even if I choose not to rampantly indulge it as my loins often demand that I should. I have a great sense of peace at who I am and I am an honest believer that I am a "good" person whether you evaluate me as a Bi-guy; a husband; a father; or even that salacious executive that mentally ravages his young execs. I won't dig into Catholic guilt or environmental macho upbringing, all of which were influential in my late teens in understanding my drives; the fact that I married at 20, was a father at 21, and am still married 29 years later, with a fucking good sex life with my wife, tells you something. My kids and my wife are my greatest friends; the WAR to end all WARS could take place and we would all be in the basement together and it would be my heaven on earth; anything that is real and important to me would be right there.

So, you ask, are these the dreary and endless thoughts that he wanted to share. Sorry, NO!!!! I am not horny or even distracted by the young hunk on the others side of the aisle of the plane from me. He may be recumbent in the dark wearing an eye mask and his hand may be resting on a formidable crotch lump in his chinos; but I do not think of sliding across in the semi dark and drawing his slumbering cock from its heated nest of black hair and slowly sucking his fragrant juices forth at 30,000 ft. Well, maybe a little.

I have been fortunate to have experienced four very different and very special men over a 10 days period and that statistic is somewhat unprecedented in my 20 years of hard won personal fortitude where fantasy and email communication is my common M2M experience. Hey, guys don't misunderstand me; don't read "experiences" to be trapeze swings and heavily lubricated lunges  four very different guys and very different interactions. Because I am not horny I don't even intend to share the details of a blow-by-blow description so if you have persevered to this point in the hope of that change the channel. For me this point is where the real issues kick in; the qualities and the pretty amazing personal attributes of the men that you are able to meet as a bisexual. God pity the hetero when his M2M environment is limited by the guys that form the boundaries of his life. My life is defined by a cornucopia of interesting and diverse men, and this 10 days has been a total test case. None of the names are real so don't think that it's you!!!

Gary was the first that I communicated with and was a local guy who worked in law and was riveted by the risk of being caught  (45 years old so a little younger); but still willing to use his own home for a tryst; interesting to say the least. Second was Sergio; I wrote about him for anyone who tracks my ramblings. An awesome contact and an amazing guys  just one incredible lunchtime with no place private to go, if you didn't read the story, your problem. An awesome guy in his mid-50's that puts the rest of us to shame. This is clearly a fledgling, deep and genuine friendship that will endure no matter what. Shamus was the third. A "stop-you-in-your-tracks" guys that was early 30's and warm, sensitive and HUGE and finding his way but doing it with grace and sensitivity, total 100% guy. He was aesthetic and nice and interesting and good company, a formidable combination. The final guy was David, a little older than me, totally tactile and a great kisser, enriching to be with (in every sense of the word - but bolted like a greyhound when any intimacy stopped (unnerving). So FINALLY I get to the point where I share my thoughts, and my "thoughts" are what has kept me focused and balanced these many years.

So guys my point is FINALLY you scream!!! It has always been my conviction that bisexuality is the "monkey that rides each of our backs" a weird metaphor maybe but is it MINE and I now share it with you. That monkey rides us hard on occasion and like any pack mule the whip will sometimes be kind and sometimes cruel. The one thing that had never changed in God, nearly 3 decades is that the monkey is a relentless jockey. There will be times when he rides light in the saddle and I hardly know that he is there; there will be times that his whip and his spurs are totally preoccupying my whole existence shifts to the scrotal sac that is the center of gravity for every man but (occasionally) is the entire center of his Universe. There have been glorious periods where I have believed that the monkey has left me scattered in the dust and manure of the track that we all run together  well that was reassuring bullshit but it made me feel good for a while. That fucking monkey is always there ready to remount us with his demands and unrelentless expectations that the elusive Gold Ring is out there for the plucking. Doesn't each and every one of you believe that the Gold Ring is out there?? I sure do even after the saga of my mental journey over nearly 3 decades. I am another species from that guy who had his first M2M experience in college. I have raised a family  have a number of mortgages had numerous promotions. I have been successful in any way that any 100% hetero man could be, but still that fucking monkey mounts me at unexpected occasions. He is my friend now and I welcome his departure as much as his startling arrival. He is the Uncle that everyone shudders over at Thanksgiving but always finds good fun. So "Uncle Monkey" ride me baby cause it has been a journey and a half.

So my 10 days have been the whole range of experiences, adrenaline ratted misadventures; glorious explorations with a new young and nubile acolyte; a rare a precious encounter with THAT guy who could be the rarest of all things (a normal and centered guy that could be your Bi-friend and lover) God is that possible??; and the most seductive of all creatures; the guy that has the kisses of caresses of the Olympian Gods, and the subtle sensual touch and seduction of a feather. Where in the midst of all that was this fucking deadly and hateful (and loved) monkey? He was there in none and yet he was present in all!!! Guys, I am impressed and pleased that any of you are still here  and yet I know that some still are. The one thing that life has taught me is that bisexuality has one raging and common denominator; we all are driven by our groins; we are all motivated by our eternal belief in "what is possible"; and we are all reassured by our belief in our normality; our monkey is that "normality" and long may she ride!!! Thanks for reading this diatribe, I promise that I shall be horny again soon like tomorrow, and will resume my erotic ramblings; but for anyone that has the fortitude to join me; well THIS is part of me too!! FINIS

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