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"How Did I End Up as Bisexual???"

I have been sharing some emails with a young guy in Australia (where I come from) that has struggled with sexual abuse and is pretty distressed that (in his opinion) this has made him gay.

I suppose that my first thought is that I don't really know what made us gay or BI and i long ago gave up trying to understand it. When I wrote to him I told him that I thought is that there are all level and forms of abuse and I'm sure that a lot of guys had it rougher than me when i was growing up.

My dad was one of those poster-boys of Aussie manhood - he was a product of his generation and I am sure that he struggled with his own demons and drinking was definitely one of them.

I have a brother who is a clone of dad but I must have got my Mum's genes cause whereas the two of them were the footballers, both carpenters, screwed every woman that came within cock length - I was good at track and art at school, became an Architect, and somewhere along the way I realized my undeniable interest in men.

I don't know whether bisexuality is genetic or environmental - I sure don't blame my dad for my sexuality. He was abusive to all of us (although my brother as the youngest escaped the worst of it) - his favorite little thing when I was 7 or 8 - when he was drinking with his mates on the back verandah - was to call me over and make me stand in front of him and he would slap my face and tell me that I couldn't cry - he would test me to see how long I would last. He would have 4 or 5 of his mates sitting around and I was this little fucking kid who felt like a worthless piece of shit because I always inevitably cried!!! His favorite recognition when I won an art award or a hurdles medal was to say "What are you some sort of poofta (the Aussie word for faggot)??" Well, one day I proved him right - maybe he was right all along.

So I analyse my motivations and sexuality these days and am content to just go with the flow. I long ago gave up trying any philosophical shit as to whether I am trying to punish myself or him; whether it is a self-esteem or an insecurity issue. I have been fortunate to have married a fantastic woman (who knew about all of my childhood things and the "way" that I responded to it). We have had two incredible children who have grown up to be well balanced adults with (I suspect) a mainstream sexuality. I love her intensely and our life together is very good even if the need to be with other men remains strong within me - I have achieved a balance where I enjoy my relations with men when the chemistry is good and the security and safety means that it will be a great experience. The "slut" phase of my late teens early 20s was interesting but it certainly reinforced my sense of not measuring up. I was probably having 5 or 6 sex partners every week (you can do that with no problem when you are 19 lets face it). Thankfully it was before AIDs.

I don't sit here today and moan about my fate - I have been very lucky and life is very good. If I could shed my bisexuality tomorrow and be a dedicated heterosexual partner for my wife then I sure as hell would - but it ain't gonna happen. It is as much a part of me as my eye colour or my taste in ties - it's the way that God made me. I am comfortable that I am a good person - a good dad and a good husband. You don't cut out one part without affecting the rest. In closing, my dad is very old now and has tried in recent years to bridge the chasm that even he is aware exists between us. In his own way he has expressed regret for the sort of father that he was. He blames the booze but that is too convenient an answer for me to accept. The vicious part of me craves returning a little of the punishment and shouting at him "Hey, Dad, no problem cause you were right. I am a queer as a coot and suck cock whenever I can". I would never do it cause I long ago realized that forgiving him was good for ME - and it helped me to move on. I made my own decisions and I can't grant him to power to be a guiding influence now that I am in my 40s. I will let him die in piece - we embrace and I say the things that he needs to hear - it is the quality of my relationship with my SON that will define my life - not my relationship with my DAD.

Thanks for listening guys - it helps to have written it down. FINIS

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