It occurred to me just recently as to how your perceptions can gradually
change. I remember when I was a late teen/early 20s and having my
explorations with other guys that I always struggled to understand
how I equally had sexual drives for women. Certainly the men that
I was with (who were committed gays) didnt have any so they
were not the ones to talk to.
I remember one night when I was nearly 20. I had emjoyed a lot of
M2M contact by this time. I met a guy in a bar who was a businessman
on his way home from work. I found out that he was married and I
remember being stunned that here was a guy with a wife and kids
who wanted to have sex with me. I wanted to ask him all about that
but clearly all he wanted to do was get down to business. As it
happens he was an incredible lover and was happy for me to do anything
to him that I wanted--and I did--but that's another story. I never
saw him again but for the first time in my naiveté I realized
that there was a middle ground so to speak. It changed my life and
I married and became a father soon after.
For all of that, in the days before the Internet, I believed that
married men who lusted after other men were a minority and an abnormality
in the natural order of things where men were either heterosexual
or homosexual. I had very limited contacts during the next 20 years
and usually with gay guys that I met on business trips: "one
off" contacts, and in those days still generating a certain
amount of guilt and denial that I attributed to being away from
my family and usually with a few drinks in me. Even the occasional
married guy that I might meet in another state didn't take away
the feeling that it was some exclusive little club that I was some
sort of President of.
So somewhere in recent years I discovered the Web and its rapidly
increasing number of sites dedicated to married bisexual men. Men
who for the most part are dedicated to keeping the sanctity of their
marriage and family intact. Men who usually act and sound, and for
all intents and purposes are completely heterosexual except for
their recognition of the power and passion of sex with other men.
Men who maintain mortgages and have "honey-do" lists at
home, who take out the trash and jump around on the sidelines at
their kid's sporting events.
Through the power of the Internet I have had the great benefit of
meeting many of these guys and it has radically changed my perception
of this "club" that I thought was so exclusive. Young
married guys with babies still; middle-aged guys who sweat the whole
college tuition thing; mature guys who delight in their grandchildren.
I even met one young guy fresh from his honeymoon and already on
the hunt for some male companionship. All sharing this same intense
and strong bond that makes us brothers no matter what creed, age,
or socio-economic group we come from.
The thing that amazes me is the sheer scale of the numbers of men
who are recognizing and accepting this reality and working hard
to find some sort of balance in their lives. It is my heartfelt
belief that the bisexual demographic is a powerful thing and in
another generation (unfortunately I believe that it will take that
long) there will be a lot of recognition of this situation. Heterosexuals
and homosexuals tend to find us the most threatening since we cross
both boundaries--that neat little (and totally false) black and
white definition is crumbling. Women may be happy to have a gay
friend who can shop and cry with them but would shun a bisexual
friend who might just jump her bones as well as her brother!!
So this changed perception over the past few years has had one significant
impact on me. My problem is an almost non-existent "gaydar"
ability to spot another man who might be similarly inclined. Especially
since the guys that I find most attractive are the average suburban
married str8 guys like me who look to integrate this M2M relationship
in with the rest of his life. Short of some guy wearing a flower
behind his ear and vigorously massaging his swollen crotch at my
eye level while we talk, I would never have the courage to cross
that invisible boundary with my friends and peers. Even with those
signals, I would probably worry that I was misreading it and I have
never had a guy come onto me in my civilian life so I expect that
I don't throw out any signals either.
The difference now, for me, is that I am willing to believe that
any of the attractive guys that are around me every day--I work
in the building industry so it is testosterone central--have as
much likelihood and potential to be bisexual as I do. I work in
a company of 5,000 employees--nearly half that number in the north-east
where I am based--so sheer percentages indicate that a huge number
of those masculine hairy str8 guys are probably players. So the
exclusive club that I stupidly thought I was President of is now
a society in itself. That young guy that I met after his honeymoon
will probably enjoy his marriage in a very different sexual environment
than I was able to--lucky bastard!!! FINIS