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"Bi Men Member Essay on Sexuality"

I wanted to share an observation that I had made about myself in one of my introspective bouts. Most everyone who has read my mental ramblings will know that I became aware – and explored – my bisexuality when I was 18 – married at 21 – and between 18 and 23 had significant contact with other men. After that I withdrew for 20 years while busy with building careers and family – sure, there were contacts during that time but very seldom (maybe every 2 years on average) and always one offs / anonymous couplings. About 5 years ago I discovered the web with all its access and photos and the desires came back to me with a power and an insistence that was amazing. During that 5 years I have probably been with three times as many men as during the previous 20 years. I was also fortunate to have found a men's meeting group in central NJ that has given me great buddies and support. Out of that group came my abso lute best buddy John who changed my life and my assessment of myself – enough has been said about John and I – I love him and 'nuff said. The point of my thought here was to consider how I had reacted to my sexuality and my ever present bisexual drives during each of those periods – cause understanding that helps me to move on with what – for me is probably the most powerful bisexual presence in me that I have been aware of.

In my late teens and early 20s – I had zero internal conflict over my desires for men – even my Catholic conscience didn't trouble me. There were plenty of girls as well – before I got married at least. M2M sex was the most liberating and empowering experience that I had ever enjoyed so I didn't bemoan my fate and indulged it to the hilt. God, at 19 or 20 you only have to unzip for a piss and some guy wants to bury his face in your crotch. I was fortunate that with so much activity it was prior to any of the major health things that now exist and I never caught so much as a cold. The only downside for me was that there was very little relationship involved – no friendship – no support. The men I was with were impatient with my need to understand what these drives meant since they went against everything that I had been rais ed to believe. Every time that I opened my mouth to want to discuss it – well you know the rest!!! John and I always joke that we were pleased not to have met at that age or we might have ended up with an Antique shop in Cape May and matching poodles – impossible to imagine at this stage in my life but conceivable then. I wasn't preyed upon by some Uncle or Priest – I was aware of my interest in other guy's bodies and I embraced it and explored it with a zeal. I was also fortunate to meet my wife at college at the same time and she has remained the love of my life and we still shag like bunnies every chance we get so she is my anchor, my friend, and I have never regretted our love.

So that period for me was all about sex and exploration – like any other teenager. It was fantastic and I was to coast on those memories and experiences for many years. I will admit to an amazing naivety and wasn't aware that bisexuality existed as a state Even the married guys that I had been with never stopped long enough to share that gem of wisdom with me, so hard as it is to believe, I thought I was probably unique in desiring both men and women. Enough men came onto me that I never really looked around at the other men in my world and wondered what their sexuality was. Between my wife and my "buddies" I had love and sex coming out of my ears – literally – so in essence I suppose that I was self-asorbed.

After I had been married a few years and already had both my kids – hell, I was still a kid myself – I thought that I had to take my responsibilities seriously – and those responsibilities were pressing on me pretty hard too. Twenty four, two kids, graduated, mortgage, shit like that – so I metaphorically slapped myself around and hunkered down to grow my career and family. Did a pretty damn good job of it if I say so myself – who says that fags can't build anything. I traveled a lot on business even then – this was before the web – but every now and then some other businessman sitting in some bar in some hotel in some city – would strike some chord with me and something pretty good would happen. By the time that I was on the plane home I had probably forgot what he looked like and was focused on painting the fence that weekend.

That very long period in my life was no sense of deprivation for me. If I had wanted more I probably could have found it easily enough. I have always thought of bisexuality as (metaphorically) the monkey that rides my back. Some times he rides with spur and whip and demands my attention – others he is so light in the saddle that I barely know that he is there. If my teens were the raging seductive possessive Monkey, then my 20s and 30s was the gentle monkey.

After finding the webs sites I realized very clearly for the first time in my life that there was a massive percentage of average married guys just like myself that have this driving passion for other men. Not only that there were endless libraries of M2M sex pictures that offered every alternative coupling that is possible. Throw into that mix finding the NJ Buisexual Men's group and the great buddies that I made there – and the first buddy in my life (John) that fulfilled all the needs that I had ever wanted from a man – friend, confidant, jokester, lover. Well, my late 40s became the era that I never expected. Bisexuality is now so much of an everyday reality for me that I have found my whole perception of the male world I occupy to be different. It is possibly also because of a regular and meaningful and stimulating sex life that it changed. I only know that now, after enjoying being bisexual for all of my adult life, that I am now probably totally bisexual. The Monkey is merged with me and I drive my own sexuality. For some reason I now look at virtually every man that I interact with as being a potential bisexual as I believe that any man relaxed enough and secure enough would enjoy sex with another man. So if I foolishly believed that I was unique in my early 20s, I now believe that I am incredibly mainstream I look at guys stopped in the toll booths on the Turnpike and wonder, the young janitor that fixes our office plumbing, the cop cruising past my home in Princeton. They could all be bisexual to one degree or another. I assure you that it doesn't mean that I will be hitting on guys in elevators between floors – but I believe that my awareness of the possibility makes me send out better signals. I sure know that there have been more opportunities lately than I ever intend to take advantag e of. Our sexuality is a moving feast – like any great meal we need to eat sensibly – and avoid the "trough" option. FINIS









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